I’m protesting straight marriage. That’s right. I think straight marriage should be illegal. For a long time, I kind of supported straight marriage. I benefit from the privilege of my whiteness, my class, and my citizenship, and while I fight against those privileges, I also know I get by on them all the time in ways that I can’t even see. So when straight people wanted to reap the benefits of marriage, I felt a bit hypocritical saying they shouldn’t do it. Plus, I’ve long thought that marriage was wildly stupid, and should be therefore be reserved for straight people (not that straight people are wildly stupid, just that it’s nice to see them be flamboyantly bad at things sometimes… like marriage).
But lately all the gays are in a huff over this marriage business. Apparently, the abominable disaster that straight people have created is our golden ticket now. With it, it is believed that we might purchase such goodies as visitation rights to our dying partners, possible health-care benefits, tax breaks, and a false sense of security against STIs. Never mind that such things should be fundamental regardless of partnership status, these perks can be achieved through participation in a system that will make us grumpy old cheaters and wistful divorcees. I say that if gay people want to get married, let them. We’ve suffered enough. We’re been kicked out, beat up, killed, and spat on for years. If gay people have the cash for divorce lawyer’s fees and they want in on the world of catastrophic bridesmaid’s dresses and regrettable one-night stands, fine.
Straight people are another matter entirely. See, all this time, I’ve been against the same-sex marriage movement for such silly reasons as its erasure of queer history, its maintenance of class privilege, its reliance on the gender binary, its unawareness of race, and its denial of the actual life or death issues that afflict our communities. But you know, my gay cousin is not only trying to battle stage-4 colon cancer, she’s probably filling out power-of-attorney paperwork so that her partner can be present now that things are getting really bad. And my queer housemate fears deportation to Mexico because she can’t marry her partner of five years. Any solution would be good right now.
So there’s not room for marriage all around? Fine. Let us (the homo sinners) run this broken institution into the ground for a while.
Illegalize heterosexual marriage. That’s my new slogan.
Think about it. There are lots of reasons to rally against straight marriage:
1.The heteros suck at it- Seriously. More than half of them end up divorced, and almost all of them end up unhappy. Plus, they fill up our facebook newsfeeds with endless blurry pictures of people in rented clothing, make us to attend marathon-length parties where they force us to watch them open the over-priced gifts we were guilted/ registered into purchasing, and fatten us with cake that doesn’t even taste good (the cake part alone is reason enough to illegalize).
2.It isn’t fashionable- We may be stereotypically bitchy, but we’d never allow our best friends to wear ruffled green dresses in front of hundreds of people. At least we’d make the process of marriage look sexy.
3. It’s wholly unnatural- Come on. You honestly think she wants to cook you dinner? Or that he wants to take out the trash always? Straight gender scripts are creepy and weird…
4. It’s not God’s will- Google: divorce statistics 2008.
5.It goes against traditional values- these include monogamy, free speech, and self-determination.
6.The party need not move- Bachelorette parties already happen at all the gay bars because straight women decided a few years back that it was better to invade gay men than get hit on by preying straight ones. So, gay bars won’t lose any business… or tiaras.
7.Straight white people follow their weddings with babies- Only the heteros could make having babies seem unappealing. I mean, come on. Babies are the most delightful things on earth. But straight white folks have to ruin it with baby showers (no one wants to go to them), baby books (after the first four pictures, I’m good), and constant updates on how smart little Johnny is (he’s like every drooling clueless baby, that’s why he’s cute, duh). Thanks to technology, they have figured out ways to bother you with the sort of behavior 24/7. They post videos of their kid doing such mundane tasks as eating and smiling. They make entire blogs where they post pictures of the kid in ugly Christmas sweaters. You know that if the homos pulled that sort of thing, we’d be like “flamboyant” or something.
Don’t get me wrong: I don’t hate straight people or their very interesting lifestyle (I hate sins, not sinners). I have one straight friend, and she sometimes takes me with her to this straight bar she goes to, and I got hit on by a straight person, but I didn’t mind because I’m really secure in my sexuality… Also, my brother is straight so I love straight people.
I just think that there’s a time and a place for everything. And the straight people have used theirs up. Marriage is absolutely the least successful, least enjoyable, least useful, least interesting, least inclusive, and least appealing institution around. I don’t think the heteros will miss it once we disenfranchise them. In fact, maybe they’ll thank us for taking it on.
Illegalize straight marriage. For the good of us all.